Learning My Way

When my knight first brought up the subject of wanting to take our marriage to femdom marriage, I was quite taken back. While the thought excited me (I was always wet and horny), it also scared me. I read some books, one of the best being The Mistress Manual, and we played around with the mistress and slave idea for a while. We even bought our first chastity device and he started doing the housework which were both a huge turnout for me. During our play and learning about femdom, we soon realize that the Queen/knight relationship was a better fit for us. We upgraded our device to a metal, personalized device. I still continued to struggle with confidence, punishment, and some other areas of the lifestyle. The most difficult obstacle through it all, has and will continue to be time. We have high stress jobs with an very active family which makes the time to put into such a 24/7 lifestyle extremely difficult. Finding balance has been a challenge for us.

So over the years we have been off and on--in and out of "lock up" with the cock cage. I get too tired or too emotional to do the needed discipline to make the Ds work. Something comes up and we stop.

Most recently--about a week and a half ago--we tried again. What does this mean? He was put back in lock up with denial. Only this time, he has less chores. He performs most nights (nights that I allow him) pussy worship and service and brings me to orgasms, and works for release. He earns release on weekends (if he is good) and earns weight loss coupons to be used which allows him to cum in my pussy--not a given when I am Queen.

We have pushed ourselves more with this round by sharing with others. I have told a friend which helps in the humiliation department but also gives me an open-minded female in which I can confide. He now refers to her as Miss and is excited and embarrassed at the same time. We attended our first event which was only a meet and greet type but we are talking about taking that further.

Some things are going well, but others aren't. I really struggle with fitting the role, and I believe that over time, I have learned that I need to trust my gut. So while this makes it more difficult to punish, it will keep me from emotionally hurting my knight. I do love my knight, so much that I refuse to fulfill his biggest fantasy of cuckold. This excites him greatly, but down to my core, I cannot make it fit my being. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy flirting or some up-close contact; it just means currently, I take my vows and commitment to him on a different level. Maybe this makes me less queen-like to some, but I am a Queen that does as I please/want.

I don't know what our Ds relationship has in store for us, but I do know that we are both aroused by it. Right now we are enjoying the wave and learning more about the lifestyle and ourselves.

While we did get in a fight this weekend, and almost threw in the towel, I did squeeze out a session or two. One with punishment, the other without. Both times he was allowed to cum in me (after begging), he knows the drill--he cleans his mess while bringing me to another orgasm. While released Friday night from his cage, he goes back in tonight for another week of training. We are on a journey, and with time and practice, he will be the knight I deserve, and I will he Queen he needs.